*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
You Might Also Like
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Ok, but like, how married are you?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”