My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
You Might Also Like
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.