Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.