Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
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My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
#CoronaOutbreak
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime