Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.