Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.