Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
What my back needs
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”