Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
The little toadstool has spoken.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”