I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
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Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I love you…
…r dog.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Always
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah