My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Cucumbers Anonymous
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.