Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Nothing to do, you say?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.