instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.