Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.