Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
You Might Also Like
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?