‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Breaking news:
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.