As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Found the job I’m suited for
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Breaking news:
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things