Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Just a bush.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
finally
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI