[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.