The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
step 6: release the wall snake
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.