[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
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power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I am all good here, 😂😉
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Worst bar ever.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.