My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention