News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Yeah. This was me today.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
(2022)
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.