Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
You Might Also Like
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
LOL
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive