Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
You Might Also Like
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Tastes like chicken.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
This is sending me to another galaxy
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Mornin
Batman v Dracula
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]