This is sending me to another galaxy
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‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Love it! 👍😂
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken