[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.