Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
How dramatic are you?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.