The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”