My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
This is I, Robot all over again
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!