I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?