My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.


Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.


When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.


Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.



I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .


I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?


If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.


Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!