@DartsBofficial

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

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@ddsmidt

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

@Jennifergr8

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

@shaun__gunner

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

@olivebeerthanks

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

@dresspants

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

@FadeAway2

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

@Nickadoo

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@UnFitz

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

@MisterABK

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?