Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.