When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
This rocks
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”