I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Ha.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.