Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
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Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
My dad.
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Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!