Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I only eat vegetarians.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”