Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
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I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
finally
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers