I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
You Might Also Like
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.