I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol