If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
This dude got his own movie?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Unexpected Judgment
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.