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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth