@BullenRoss

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

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@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

@Smooheed

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

@Tmoney68

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@MadHatterMommy

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

@LostFelicia

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

@DanBlackAttack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

@mattZillaaaa

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me