DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

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Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.


I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue


[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?



Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.


You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.


My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.


It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.


I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me