Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
You may not like the word βmoistβ but the alternative is βendampenedβ and Iβll not have endampened cake.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say βJust jokin!β
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with βhow-to books.β
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Donβt lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon youβre square. all comes down to whoβs the faster cyclist
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Priest: Donβt chew gum in church.
Me: If I donβt, Iβll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: Itβs your fault if I go to hell.