Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?