murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
If you know, you know 😂🚔