I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.