How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
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just left a huge legacy in there
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to