#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.