The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
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birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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