birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered