Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Accurate