What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Pat is about to own someone
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.